a night out

it is 3am, and I'm winding down from a night out. I got to spend time with friends, eat lovely cheeses and drink lovely martinis. And I got to dance. And I really needed to dance.

The group of friends I was with tonight were all in various durations of being alone (not in relationship), and we ranked people "army style" where the people longest out of relationship had the highest rank. I'm in boot camp, and it is kicking my ass. It is so freaking hard for me to be alone, and I don't really know how to do this. I just keep trudging through the mud. I am sad and I am angry and I am lonely.

Why does it have to be so hard to be alone with me? I want to be wanted, and I'm not, and it hurts. But tonight I got to dance. I got to set limits, I got to make choices, and I had no safety net, no relationship in the background to rescue me.

Tonight was my coming out party, my birthday, my anniversary, my Jennie loves herself day. And I danced.

Only a few minutes after arriving at the dance place, I sat down, on the edge of tears, and a guy came over to me, started talking to me, and then asked me to dance. We danced for a while, then he got a little too grabby. Now I know some touching is normal, but after a bit too much ass-grabbing followed by a quick boob-grab, I had enough, and I went back to hang with my friends. And then I danced some more with my friends without all the creepy groping.

The night out was originally a way for me to get out some pent-up energy and emotion, and it worked. Though the root stuff is still there. I'm still sad, I'm still angry, I'm still lonely, and I still want to be wanted, and I'm not.