weepy rainy day

Today I awoke to the sound of rain against my window. It was a grey, cool, rainy morning. I love rainy morning like this one, it was a day when things feel fresh and clean and renewed. Rainy days remind me of so many things. Maybe because it doesn't rain here very often, the rain gets my sense-memory going. I was having a lot of memories this morning. The rain seemed to create a little memory flood in my brain today.

happy memory: rainy afternoon in May 2006, I took the bus home and tried to walk 2+ miles home in the rain along the shoulder of the highway and eventually accepted a ride from a woman who knew one of my neighbors. I remember how lovely it felt to walk, how strange it was that cars kept stopping to offer me rides, how much privilege I have as a petite, young, caucasian, woman.

memories: rainy days watching my chickens run around in the yard, being so happy and excited to snatch up worms and other bugs that were coming out in the rain. rainy days watching my wet, sad looking chickens fluff themselves up to shake the rain off their feathers. remembering the smell of wet alpacas and llamas in the rain. remembering the smell of wet hay. remembering the feeling of going back inside after feeding the animals on a rainy day and having a nice cup of tea and watching my silly llamas just sit outside the barn even though they could go inside. remembering poor maya who would always get part of her body stuck outside the barn because she was at the bottom of the alpaca hierarchy. remembering dash and angel and rudolph how they looked when they got all wet--their top knots all flat and drippy. remembering Nemo, my cat, and how I had such a super soft spot for him, how I spoiled him so, and would let him in the house whenever I had an excuse to do so. Missing my Nemo and his purrs and cuddles. And all this remembering my heart breaks all over again.

and in all the remembering, the tears streaming down my face. my body shaking with sobs with all the joy and sadness. I've been crying on and off all day today. I kept myself so busy during work hours today so I wouldn't have to think about my animals, and I successfully only cried on my way to work, and not at work. I am so happy that I got to live that life, that I got to have those beings in my heart; and so sad that those beings aren't part of my daily life anymore. I am sad that many of those beings have since died. I miss my chickens. I miss my alpacas. I miss my llamas. I miss my cat. I miss Michael. and I miss my Grandma Betty. I cry for all of them, and I cry for me.