being human

I've been working with fear the last few days...looking at what makes me afraid. I've been surprised to discover that death doesn't scare me...pain doesn't really scare me. So where is the Big Fear? The Big Fear is in not knowing, the Big Fear is in letting others down, of not succeeding.

There's lots of other emotions, too. Sad. Big Sad. Sad about holding back, about not jumping in because I don't want to be embarrassed, or not jumping in because I don't want to fail.

I've held back a lot in my life because I thought it was the right thing to do...to play safe, to take calculated risks, risks that are within a safe tolerance. Many choices I made are probably "good" ones, socially acceptable ones, choices that minimize harm to myself and others. And I don't regret being safe. I don't regret my choices. I've learned a lot about me, and I've learned a lot from things that are "mistakes".

What are the things I want to accomplish in my life? Why do I think I need to accomplish anything at all? Is that ego? Some need to make a mark? To have an impact? Does it matter to anyone? Does it matter to me? I'm not trying to be all doom 'n gloom here, but really in the big big picture, how much does any of it matter? If We're all just stardust from the big bang and our little stardust bits will keep on going forever, how much does it matter what we do? At the same time, if we live in a way that is only self-serving, what does that mean? If we just gorge ourselves in gluttony, sloth, etc. I'm starting to understand why we humans have created religions, why we have ideas about "what happens next"...to give us some purpose, to give us something outside ourselves. We want to be part of something more than just what we have within us. We do kind things for and terrible things to others because we like how it feels for US.

So we all have a limited time here in this lifetime. We don't know when the rug will be pulled from under our feet. The idea of living each day like it is our last...well, it is starting to sink in, at least for now.

What are the things that I want to do every day? I want to remember to tell the people in my life that I love, that I love them. I want them to know, to really know, how much they mean to me. I think they know, but wanting to share with them the depth of my care and affection. How to express that? How to express how much gratitude I have for my life. So much beauty, so much joy, everyday all the time.

From my current favorite Ani song "you're gonna love this world, if it's the last thing I do". I'm tired of complaining, I'm tired of finding fault or feeling like I'm not enough, or less than. I know I find a lot of goodness in things around me, but I want to appreciate more. I want to forgive. I want to recognize that everyone is doing their best. I want to remember that that's true. Everyone is doing their best. And what that means for each person in each moment is something different. My best at 6am is different than my best at 9:15am is different from my best at 9pm. My best is different when I'm happy vs. when I'm sad. My best is different when I'm hungry or tired or happy or sad or angry.

Sometimes I have expectations of myself that are unrealistic, or are realistic for short amounts of time, but are not sustainable. I want to be smart, I want to be funny, I want to be talented at lots of things, I want to love and be loved... And sometimes I am. And sometimes I'm not.

Sometimes I'm scared. Sometimes I don't know how to ask for help when I need it. Sometimes I overextend and sometimes I over-exaggerate. Sometimes I'm really human.