Bardo

I'm in the bardo. Bardo is a Tibetan word that means "in between state" a time in the middle of two things. I'm not one thing or the other. I'm not sure where I am.

I know that in transition habitual patterns don't work very well, but I don't know what to do. All the things I'm used to doing are dissolving. I want to fill the void with other things. I watched two movies tonight. This didn't help. All I kept thinking about was "What the hell happened today?!" Can't today just get erased and can't I have a do-over? I want to push away, I want to cling, I want to reach out, and I want to hide. I don't know what to do.

I've been training in not taking sides, trying to see the bigger picture. I've been training in now-ness, and I've been training in being alone. Meditating and being silent are my teachers. And I hurt so much.

Were the elements dissolving this whole time, and I didn't see it? Earth into water, water into fire, fire into air, air into space. Really? When? I think it was all in an instant. It must have been, because I missed it. I thought we were on a path, and I inadvertently put my elbow outside the tram, and suddenly I'm booted off the ride.

I keep trying to cling to logic--this just doesn't make sense. How can this make sense? I'm so bewildered. I'm lost. The green wind is blowing, it is always blowing blowing blowing blowing. But I didn't think I'd be blown over here.

How am I self-sabbotaging? Am I? Is he? I once said, "Love takes a warrior". I still think this is true. I was going to wear oven mitts in the fire, but I'm being prevented from even going near it. Why? I just don't understand why. What happened? I thought everything was so good.