I've been working with fear the last few days...looking at what makes me afraid. I've been surprised to discover that death doesn't scare me...pain doesn't really scare me. So where is the Big Fear? The Big Fear is in not knowing, the Big Fear is in letting others down, of not succeeding.
There's lots of other emotions, too. Sad. Big Sad. Sad about holding back, about not jumping in because I don't want to be embarrassed, or not jumping in because I don't want to fail.
I've held back a lot in my life because I thought it was the right thing to do...to play safe, to take calculated risks, risks that are within a safe tolerance. Many choices I made are probably "good" ones, socially acceptable ones, choices that minimize harm to myself and others. And I don't regret being safe. I don't regret my choices. I've learned a lot about me, and I've learned a lot from things that are "mistakes".
What are the things I want to accomplish in my life? Why do I think I need to accomplish anything at all? Is that ego? Some need to make a mark? To have an impact? Does it matter to anyone? Does it matter to me? I'm not trying to be all doom 'n gloom here, but really in the big big picture, how much does any of it matter? If We're all just stardust from the big bang and our little stardust bits will keep on going forever, how much does it matter what we do? At the same time, if we live in a way that is only self-serving, what does that mean? If we just gorge ourselves in gluttony, sloth, etc. I'm starting to understand why we humans have created religions, why we have ideas about "what happens next"...to give us some purpose, to give us something outside ourselves. We want to be part of something more than just what we have within us. We do kind things for and terrible things to others because we like how it feels for US.
So we all have a limited time here in this lifetime. We don't know when the rug will be pulled from under our feet. The idea of living each day like it is our last...well, it is starting to sink in, at least for now.
What are the things that I want to do every day? I want to remember to tell the people in my life that I love, that I love them. I want them to know, to really know, how much they mean to me. I think they know, but wanting to share with them the depth of my care and affection. How to express that? How to express how much gratitude I have for my life. So much beauty, so much joy, everyday all the time.
From my current favorite Ani song "you're gonna love this world, if it's the last thing I do". I'm tired of complaining, I'm tired of finding fault or feeling like I'm not enough, or less than. I know I find a lot of goodness in things around me, but I want to appreciate more. I want to forgive. I want to recognize that everyone is doing their best. I want to remember that that's true. Everyone is doing their best. And what that means for each person in each moment is something different. My best at 6am is different than my best at 9:15am is different from my best at 9pm. My best is different when I'm happy vs. when I'm sad. My best is different when I'm hungry or tired or happy or sad or angry.
Sometimes I have expectations of myself that are unrealistic, or are realistic for short amounts of time, but are not sustainable. I want to be smart, I want to be funny, I want to be talented at lots of things, I want to love and be loved... And sometimes I am. And sometimes I'm not.
Sometimes I'm scared. Sometimes I don't know how to ask for help when I need it. Sometimes I overextend and sometimes I over-exaggerate. Sometimes I'm really human.
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Politics, Religion, and Love
The themes that have been coming up in my life the last few days are politics, religion, and love.
Yesterday I had a dentist appointment in the morning, and while I was getting my teeth cleaned, my dentist talked and talked and talked. He told me about a book he recently read about the brain and about biofeedback and how the amazingness of the brain must mean that God exists. Then he told me about something he read about one of the first doctors to work on heart transplants and gave me a lot of details about how often our heart valves open 100,000 times per day, and our heart pumps 2000 gallons of blood a day. These are amazing things that couldn’t have evolved, so God exists. I’m glad my mouth was full of fingers and equipment, and all I could muster was "huh". This was enough to encourage him to go on and on about what it was like to be in his early 20s when the war in Vietnam was occurring. I got to hear all about his opinions on the draft, on what it was like to know people who went to the war, who didn’t come back, who came back changed. How he can’t see how the fighting in Iraq will ever stop.
Later in my day, I picked up supplies for my Friday night Jennietime. I went to my favorite Indian grocer and got 2 movies and some samosas. While I was waiting for my DVDs, I was chatting with the storekeeper. I hadn’t been in for 2 weeks, and Raj was asking me where I’d been. I told him I had been at a meditation retreat in the mountains. He asked me about my meditation practice, and whether or not I was a Buddhist. When I explained that I’m not really Buddhist, but I do meditate, he was confused. I told him I work at Naropa, and he seemed to understand. This started a conversation about religion. "Life is meant to be happy," he said, "Be good to other people, and be happy. That’s religion."
Last night I stayed at my best girl Dol’s place and acted as dogsitter since neither she nor her boyfriend were going to be home Friday night. My movies wouldn’t play in her DVD player, so I ended up watching a lot of Sex in the City. That show seriously makes me want to drink more martinis (which I haven’t done in months), smoke cigarettes (which I don’t do at all), buy new shoes, and think about relationships.
Today while doing laundry, I watched Nishabd, a visually gorgeous movie that really creeped me out. One of the main characters was portrayed by Amitabh Bachchan, who I adore. The tagline "He is 60. She is 18. some love stories aren’t meant to be understood." I’ve certainly seen my share of relationships that I don’t understand...
Yesterday I had a dentist appointment in the morning, and while I was getting my teeth cleaned, my dentist talked and talked and talked. He told me about a book he recently read about the brain and about biofeedback and how the amazingness of the brain must mean that God exists. Then he told me about something he read about one of the first doctors to work on heart transplants and gave me a lot of details about how often our heart valves open 100,000 times per day, and our heart pumps 2000 gallons of blood a day. These are amazing things that couldn’t have evolved, so God exists. I’m glad my mouth was full of fingers and equipment, and all I could muster was "huh". This was enough to encourage him to go on and on about what it was like to be in his early 20s when the war in Vietnam was occurring. I got to hear all about his opinions on the draft, on what it was like to know people who went to the war, who didn’t come back, who came back changed. How he can’t see how the fighting in Iraq will ever stop.
Later in my day, I picked up supplies for my Friday night Jennietime. I went to my favorite Indian grocer and got 2 movies and some samosas. While I was waiting for my DVDs, I was chatting with the storekeeper. I hadn’t been in for 2 weeks, and Raj was asking me where I’d been. I told him I had been at a meditation retreat in the mountains. He asked me about my meditation practice, and whether or not I was a Buddhist. When I explained that I’m not really Buddhist, but I do meditate, he was confused. I told him I work at Naropa, and he seemed to understand. This started a conversation about religion. "Life is meant to be happy," he said, "Be good to other people, and be happy. That’s religion."
Last night I stayed at my best girl Dol’s place and acted as dogsitter since neither she nor her boyfriend were going to be home Friday night. My movies wouldn’t play in her DVD player, so I ended up watching a lot of Sex in the City. That show seriously makes me want to drink more martinis (which I haven’t done in months), smoke cigarettes (which I don’t do at all), buy new shoes, and think about relationships.
Today while doing laundry, I watched Nishabd, a visually gorgeous movie that really creeped me out. One of the main characters was portrayed by Amitabh Bachchan, who I adore. The tagline "He is 60. She is 18. some love stories aren’t meant to be understood." I’ve certainly seen my share of relationships that I don’t understand...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
