reset-o-rama

It is my birthday. Or, well, it was two days ago. I'm so out of practice writing that I kept thinking about it all the birthday day and wanted the birthday blog post to be just so perfect that I got all stuck and blockified and couldn't write.

And yesterday was the giant sugar hangover. Too much birthday sugar and other rich food resulted in a next-day sugar crash. A big, big crash. A sugar crash that felt like some kind of post-apocalyptic daze. But I somehow eventually crawled out of bed, put coffee in mouth, and got myself to the place where work is done and worked and worked and worked.

I'm tempted to write all about all the amazing things that happened on the birthday day. I'm tempted to write about the birthday fun that was had at the birthday party last night. I'm tempted to write about the year in review. I'm also considering writing about the plans for the year ahead. Since there are so many things, I'll do some highlights, perhaps.

A year in review:
In July of '08 I was a month into living alone for the first time ever. This was big and hard for a while. And then it slowly got easier as the months went by. It was a summer, and fall, and early winter of not dating, not being in romantic relationship, not seeking out that kind of human connection. It was a great big chunk of time where I was focusing on me. Figuring out what I wanted. So that when I was ready, I could try to find relationship that I wouldn't run from or blow up. In February I decided it was time, that I was ready. So I signed up for match-dot-com. And went on some first dates. I met a man that makes my heart say "whee!" and my head say "don't screw this one up". And we just moved in together :)

This last year was a time of trying new things and doing more of the things I like to do. There was a lot of making cheese. I took two pottery classes. I took a martial arts class in the spring. I knit some fuzzy leg warmers and kept knitting on the scarf I've been making for my sister. And the last year things at work were getting more interesting, too. I was taking on new projects at work: working with the President and senior VPs tracking the roll out of the strategic plan. I developed some computer training for my coworkers. I created a mailmerge for course scheduling that most departments are now using. I was an election judge in the November 2008 election. I got even more involved in my volunteer commitment and co-chaired a major fundraising event that involved a 2 day speaker/workshop, silent auction, cocktail reception, and book sale that met our attendance goal of 250 attendees. And In May, became President of the Board.

This last year I haven't traveled quite as much as I originally planned, I haven't written as much as I thought I would, I haven't hiked or cheesed, or knit, or many things as much as I thought, but I certainly did a lot.

The Birthday 2009 in review:
Birthday 2009 started with Aaron making me an insano sugar breakfast of a toast sandwich with creamcheese and cherries cooked in sugar syrup for the filling. And covered in powdered sugar. I opened gifts from my family and cards from family and friends. I went to a 4-hour meeting for the school and they had 4 kinds of sweet, fruity, breakfast crepes. And then I went on the Celestial Seasonings Tea tour with Aaron. And then dinner with Aaron. Dinner at Sunflower: Halibut in brown butter lemon caper sauce, coconut rice, grilled asparagus, Mixed Wild Mushrooms, and a spinach salad with sour cherries and hot brie croutons. Oh and the "breads and spreads" with 4 kinds of spreads and 3 kinds of breads. It was a food-coma inducing birthday, indeed.

Birthday 2009 part2 was a dinner/happy hour with 11 of my favorite people followed by going to see the new Harry Potter movie with 8 of these people. A multi-hour birthday fun fest of food and flix. :)

The Year Ahead:
For the year ahead, my goals are to write more, travel more, more hiking, more cheese, more learning new things, more cherishing the things I already do and love. There will perhaps be some more detailed thoughts, but I'm running out of steam and need some breakfast.

So the plan...keep living and doing and loving :)

on retreat

This week I'm working/living on retreat. My 3rd year class is dying, they are ending. This is their last retreat together, and my last chance to spend a bunch of concentrated time with them. I fall in love with every class. I get attached. And now our time together is coming to a close, and it is time for me to start letting go. This is the 5th year I've done this retreat.

Synchronicity keeps happening in my life lately. Here, on retreat, it is no different. Birds and fish keep popping up in various forms. I don't know if it means something, or if it is just coincidence.

Yesterday I had a fabulous experience of watching the bouncy-castle that is my mind. It was a day of silence from the time we woke up until about 8pm. Silence is such an other-worldly thing in a group of 20 people. Meals in silence, gongs indicating when it is time to sit and when it is time to walk. Conches are blown 10 minutes and 5 minutes before each sitting period. I sat 6 hours of meditation, 4.5 of which I was either the umdze (timekeeper) or gatekeeper. I love ringing the gongs, even if I'm a little out of practice. I've been more successful blowing the conch this year than anytime in the past. Everyone else dislikes this conch because the blowhole is really big. I find the big conch-hole much easier to blow.

Today, more sitting, and silence has lifted. The schedule for the rest of the week:
8am-9am breakfast (I'm waiting my turn to shower right now).
9am-12 meditation
12:30-1:15 lunch
1:15-2:30 staff meeting
2:30-4 open time or maitri space awareness practice
4-4:30 tea snack
4:30-5:30 open time or maitri space awareness practice
5:30-6:30 meditation
6:30-7:30 dinner
7:30-9 evening activity (usually a talk)

That girl

In a conversation with a friend last night I caught myself saying "Yes, I'm *that* girl, but I don't know what *that* kind of girl is."

I've been thinking about this on and off today, and realize that I DO have a pretty good idea about what kind of girl I am.

I'm the girl who frequently puts the needs of others ahead of her own. I'm the girl who doesn't really do anything half-assed, whether that's work or hobbies or relationships or down-time. I'm the girl who sometimes starts projects but gets distracted with other projects and it takes a year or so to finish up that crazy scarf!

I'm the girl who loves things so much that she names them and tries to remember to take a picture for later. The girl who loves so much that her heart breaks over and over again. The girl who cries every time she goes to her Longmont house and stops by the spot where her Nemo cat is buried. The girl who cries at beginnings and at endings of all kinds of things.

I'm the girl who loves her country so much that she votes AND works at the polls and got excited about jury duty. I'm the girl who also sometimes goes to city council meetings, marches in protests and writes her congress-people. I'm the girl who likes to follow the rules and will also work to change them when the rules aren't good. I'm the girl who went on strike twice and was the one with the bullhorn turning around teamsters the second time around. I'm the girl who became management and had the good boundaries to not say encourage or discourage the employees who came asking for advice about going on strike.

I'm the girl who loves food but sometimes gets busy with other things and forgets to eat. I'm the girl who thinks tomatoes out of season are one of the most abysmal things to eat. I'm the girl who thanks the Universe regularly for her lactose tolerance. I'm the girl who keeps a graph paper lined lab notebook in the kitchen to document her cheese-making experiments. I'm the girl who makes lists on paper and uses Excel for things like travel packing lists. I'm the girl who eats dark chocolate and doesn't bother with milk chocolate if there's a choice. I'm the girl who keeps a jar on her desk with both kinds of chocolate to lure in all kinds of chocolate-cravers to say hello.

I'm the girl who walks between worlds, who shape-shifts, who knows how to blend in and who knows how to stand out. I'm the girl who trusts her brain more than she trusts her body and frequently trips over things when she doesn't watch the ground. I'm the girl who sinks instead of floats but will occasionally take a bath because the probability of drowning is manageable. I'm the girl who likes numbers. I'm the girl who has a lot of numbers in her head and dates and phone numbers and names. I'm the girl who is pretty sure she's still got a lot of physics constants in her head, but isn't quite sure if that's the mass or the charge on the electron she's seeing. I'm the girl who used to know the difference between grad, div and curl and how to use them but doesn't really remember vector calculus anymore.

I'm the girl who takes on leadership roles and avoids leadership roles and then takes them on again. I'm the girl who started a chapter of Society of Physics Students at her undergrad institution and the girl who started one and advised it at UCSD. I'm the girl who stopped writing to go online to see if either still exists and squealed with delight when she looked at their websites. I'm the girl who is trying really hard not to get sucked into becoming the president of the board next year. I'm the girl who is working with the President and Senior VPs at work on tracking the rollout of the strategic plan.

I'm the girl who has on her whiteboard at work the following:
"Let's be specific about our needs and wants and then we can better manage our expectations." PB
"Students ARE the mission"
"Infiltrate!"
"Grateful not Grumpy"
And who listens to her ipod on "shuffle" just so she can giggle when the music shifts from Kiss to Yo-Yo Ma to Rage Against the Machine to Frank Sinatra to The Cure.

I'm the girl who has been knee-deep in irrigation water, up to her elbow inside an alpaca's womb, and in over her head in a few situations. I'm the girl who's been in a hot air balloon, a helicopter, a biplane, and a variety of other small aircraft. I'm the girl who's been on an elephant in St. Louis and a camel in the middle of nowhere in Kansas. I'm the girl who still considers getting a 350+ pound llama to trust her enough to let her walk up and put a halter on as one of her greatest life achievements.

I'm the girl who sometimes is ranty and sometimes is melodramatic and sometimes is loquacious and sometimes is quiet and sometimes hiccups like a loud dying goose. And sometimes has run-on sentences. And sometimes has sentence fragments. I'm the girl who likes to run in the snow with her arms wiggling above her head like Kermit the Frog.

I'm the girl who is all this and more and is still just Jennie.

Bragging on ME

I'm on the tail end of a very full weekend and well, a full big chunk 'o time.

I am on the board of directors for a local, non-profit, independent high school and I am/was the co-chair for a major fund-raising event that took place Friday and Saturday.

We brought in a nationally known author/speaker, Dr. Michael Bradley who did a Friday night lecture ""When Things Get Crazy with Your Teen: The Why, the How, and the What to do NOW!" and a workshop on Saturday on the same topic. Friday night had a pre-talk reception with food and drink along with a silent auction and book sale, and there was a book signing after the talk.

It was a huge success and we met/exceeded our attendance & ticket sales goals for both the Friday night lecture and the Saturday workshop. We've still got to tally up all the donations and silent auction proceeds, but this is the biggest event I've ever organized and I'm feeling really great about how it all worked out.

I didn't get to hear much of the talk on Friday, but I did have "Breakfast with Mike" and 4 other people on Saturday before the workshop and sat in on one of the workshop breakout group. I thought Dr. Bradley had some good information and insights, but I was most impressed with the parents.

I feel so honored to be able to offer my skills, knowledge, and abilities to get such an event to happen so that resources are made available to the wider community. I have put in 2-5 hours per week on this event for the last 6 months and the last 2 weeks were more like 5-10 hrs/week. I'm so glad that I was part of this, and I'm really relieved that it is done!

pumpkin and pottery

This has been the week of pumpkins and pottery and planning, Oh MY!

After a month of working 50+ hour work weeks, I finally slowed down. We didn't have Monday off, so I took Wednesday as a day for me and my own sanity. Somehow, the idea of taking Wednesday off turned Tuesday night into a cooking frenzy night. I had a bit of a sniffle and skipped out on the martial arts class I was planning to attend. My friend is teaching it and he gave me plenty of teasing for wanting a night on the couch instead of a night of getting bopped in the forehead with his index finger.

I'm not even really sure how the cooking frenzy got initiated, but I suddenly found myself cutting open the 8 pound pumpkin that had been hanging out on the kitchen counter since October. The pumpkin that never got carved for Halloween, that never got carved for Christmas, Jess' birthday pumpkin that never was, the Happy 2009 Pumpkin that didn't, the Valentines Day Pumpkin that wasn't loved into a heart-shaped jack-o-lantern suddenly became meals and meals and meals. I roasted pumpkin seeds, I made my pumpkin-chickpea curry recipe, I made pumpkin nut bread, and I still have a lot of pumpkin hanging out in the fridge waiting to become pumpkin fritters and other culinary delights. Oh pumpkin, how I adore you, how you fill my belly.

Wednesday I met up with one of my new pottery friends and spent 3 hours in the pottery lab and it seems something has clicked into place and I made attractive pottery! I'm really excited and proud of the fact that I have finally made some pottery that looks like something other than a cross between a candy dish and an ashtray. There are photos here if you want to check it out and give me positive reinforcement by telling me how awesome I am since I've been doing this for only 6 weeks!

Oh and the planning! Next weekend is my big event. I'm the co-chair for a fundraiser event for the non-profit, independent high school where I volunteer. The event has a Friday night talk and a Saturday morning workshop. It is starting to feel less like volunteer and more like un-paid part-time job, but that's probably because there is still SO much to do! And I've got to update the school's website and email the volunteers and on and on. So much planning for this, but I'm glad it is happening and will provide some good resources for people in the community. I've also been making tons of plans for the weekend...pottery lab on the weekend, brunch with a friend, a resume-help session with another, dinner with another friend, and when am I getting caught up on Battlestar and Dollhouse and laundry?!

Maybe I need to make some pumpkin ice cream, or maybe ferment the pumpkin and make some kind of alcohol. Or a pumpkin facial cream? Hm...so many options for so much pumpkin!

Fires in Boulder

Fires in Boulder destroyed the home of a woman who I've known for quite a few years now. Our alpacas lived at her ranch for a few months in Fall 2007 and Bobra is really just a treasure. More details at:

http://www.dailycamera.com/news/2009/jan/07/boulder-fires-boulder-county-llama-rancher
Grateful today for having friends I can count on when things are tough and for being in a position to offer up what I have to those in need.

The Reset Button

Welcome 2009. You are shiny and bright and new. A big arbitrary reset button has been pushed and it is time to stop, reflect on what has gone before, and plan for what is to come.

And so here I am, Jennie Hyatt, making some public statements about what I hope for myself for this new year, for this life.

1. I aspire to not just love myself, but to remember every day that I can access that self-love, even when it is hard.

2. I aspire to notice every day at least one thing that I am grateful for in my life.

3. I aspire to set boundaries and stick to them, and that includes having realistic expectations for myself about what I can and cannot do.

4. I aspire to learn new things and try out things that I never thought I would or could do (pottery, swing dancing, solo international travel).

5. I aspire to tell the people in my life that I love that I love them without any expectation that they'll say it back. It is true and real and saying the words out loud is important to me.

There are more things, there always are, but a list of 5 things seems good for now (see I'm already doing #3!).

For #2, I'm grateful for my health, that today I was well enough to leave my house and do a bunch of errands and then have friends over for an evening of lots of laughs and lots of seriousness and lots of cheese. I guess there's a lot to be grateful for today.

For #4, I'm signed up for a 9 week pottery class that starts mid-January, and I'm thinking about Swing Dance lessons. I'm in the beginning stages of planning a solo international trip to Morocco and some TBA city in Europe.

For #5 I'm going to say here a bunch of loves and will probably miss people (sorry):
I love you, Mom. I love you, Dad. I love you, Courtney. I love you, Lindsey. I love you, Zachary. I love you, Dolly. I love you, Robin. I love you, Jess. I love you, Ryan. I love you, John. I love you, Michael. I love you, Doug. I love you, Susie. I love you, Fern. I love you, Jeff. I love you, Jordan. I love you, Paul. I love you, Adam. I love you, Karen. I love you, Bryan. I think my list could get really long, so I'm going to stop here and know that there are a bunch of people, a lot of people that aren't on this list, and that the list isn't in any order or ranking, and that it is almost 4am and I'm getting loopy and starting to wonder about the wiseness of this, but here it is stream of consciousness and my heart is full and the year is going.

The Karma Garbage Truck

Well it seems I dropped off the blogosphere for quite a while there. The last weeks of school/work were Busy! And then the day before Winter Break started for me I got Sick. Big Sick. Sick with a scratchy throat and raging fever for days and days. I slept and slept and slept and slept and drank tea and juice and ate soup and jello and slept some more.

I am now back in the land of the living after feeling dead, or perhaps un-dead, for a week. I am ready to face what comes next. And what comes next seems to relate to taking out the trash.

According to the Kittymama, Pluto, god of the underworld, is driving the karma garbage truck. There's some sort of astrological fancypants event happening with Pluto, that chunk o' rock that is no longer a planet in the sky. Somehow this thing happening with Pluto is all about dumping out the stuff that is no longer serving us. So I've been working on visualizing this big trash day in the sky thinking about the stuff I want to get rid of, the stuff I don't want to keep in my life:

There are the material things that need to go like clothes I don't wear, piles of stuff for the Center for Hard to Recycle Materials, things in the fridge that are growing eyes and legs, and the Halloween decorations that are still hanging up in my apartment.

There are the things I do in my life that don't serve me, the beliefs and attitudes that I have that keep me from moving forward, the fear and doubt that creeps in, and those need to get chucked out in that karma dumpster. Goodbye to ya'll...don't need you anymore.

I cling to things, to material goods, to behaviors, and even to some dreams that just aren't useful. Letting go of those things will open up more space and who knows what can happen once the space is there. So goodbye and safe journey old karmic stuff, let's get ready for the new year to come.

A Day for Democracy

Election Day 2008. So much will likely be written about this day, but I'll give a snapshot of today from my little view as an Election Judge in once precinct in Colorado. Personally, this day could easily be on the short list as one of the proudest days of my life.

My alarm went off at 4am and I popped WIDE awake. So much excitement! I got to my precinct at 5:30am on the dot and immediately encountered my fellow precinct Election Judges and we scurried around like silly mice following our manuals and the marching orders of our precinct's Supply Judge (the supervising election official). I signed the official Election Judge Oath, I assembled portable privacy voting booths, I hung official signs, and then 15 minutes or so before the polls opened, I was assigned to my fist task: Poll Book Judge.

There ware 5 stations/election officials that voters needed to pass through:
1. Greeter (who ensured they were at the right precinct, weren't wearing any electioneering material, and ensured they had ID)
2. Sign-In (verifying that their ID was on the approved list of forms of ID and for photo IDs verified that their face matched their photo, and having them fill out a sign-in sheet)
3. Poll Book (verifying identity by having each voter state their name and date of birth, ensuring it matched the info in the poll book, having them sign the book, recording whether they were choosing a paper or electronic ballot, recording the ballot style from the poll-book onto the sign-in sheet, and if someone "spoiled" a ballot, recording that they were issued a second ballot)
4. Ballot (receiving a correct ballot style according to the type on the sign-in sheet)
5. Ballot Box (verifying their name on the sign-in sheet and casting their ballot in the ballot box)
If someone chose to vote electonically, steps 4 & 5 are combined with a visit to the Machine Judge

I started at the Poll Book judge station at 7am, and every 2 hours shifted down the line to the next station. There were 2 people alternating as Machine Judges (two people of separate party affiliations), and while I didn't work that station, I did get trained on it while also working in the Ballot Box position.

We didn't have lines, and there were periods of time when we had nobody actively voting because so many people voted early or chose to do mail-in ballots.

At 7pm the polls closed. We took down the signs and disassembled the portable privacy booths. We counted the sign-in sheets. We counted the packets of unopened ballots and the blank opened ballots. We got the official end-tape from the machine, and counted the spoiled paper ballots and the provisional ballots that were in their own special ballot collecting pouch. We knew how many paper ballots we started the day with. The Supply Judge had the official worksheet where we tracked all these numbers. And after everything else was counted and put away, we broke the seal on the ballot box and counted the ballots, each in their privacy envelope. Then we took the ballots out of the privacy envelopes and counted again. The numbers all matched. The total number of sign-in sheets matched the number of electronic plus completed paper ballots. The number of paper ballots we started with matched the completed ballots plus provisionals plus spoiled ballots. Everything matched. We signed the documents verifying the numbers were true and accurate. And I, ME! put the ballots in the special transfer case and witnessed the case being locked. The case was then transfered by two people of different party affiliation riding in one car to the county election office.

It was a long day, an exciting day, an inspiring day. A Day for Democracy.

so much gratitude

I've been avoiding my home computer for most of the week...not completely avoiding, but really trying not to spend hours and hours futzing around online. I've been really trying to find ways to find beauty and joy this week, and trying to do a lot of things that are good and nourishing for ME.

Last Saturday, I got to spend the day with a friend who I haven't seen for 13 years. 13 years! And it was so fun. We talked and talked and talked, and had a really awesome meal that included some lovely tea and rocking dessert (4 kinds of tea-flavored ice cream: green tea, chai, earl grey, and persian chocolate), and we walked around downtown and went into stores and laughed and laughed at some of the silly things we discovered.

I made cheese (Bondon and Mozzarella). I spent an evening helping to care for my friends' baby. I took a nap under warm, clean laundry. I spent a day fasting for Yom Kippur and really contemplating my views and values and thinking about atonement and forgiveness and really trying to be kind to myself. I spent an evening geeking out to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I had a sleepover night with one of my friends before she departed for an out-of-town adventure. I've been caring for two superfluffy kitties all week. I've meditated and knit, and watched Bollywood movies. I've talked to my sisters and have emailed my little brother. I harvested the last of my "garden": a 2-inch eggplant and 4 cherry tomatoes! I took a bubble bath. And all this in my non-work time!

I've been really loving my work, too. I feel inspired and hopeful. I'm doing a lot of good and having a lot of fun. I'm planning and scheming new spreadsheet templates and wikis that will make lots of people's jobs easier.

What an awesome life I have!

Has there been crummy stuff this week? You bet. Stuff that has been painful, made me cry or get angry? Sure. And I'm not focusing on that stuff. I'm not letting it stick to me. I'm brushing myself off from each irritating or unpleasant thing and saying "ok, that sucked, but now it is over, and I learned from that and I'm moving on".

And next week, I know will be a full week and a tiring week. And I'm looking forward to the challenges and the easy stuff and seeing what comes next!

being human

I've been working with fear the last few days...looking at what makes me afraid. I've been surprised to discover that death doesn't scare me...pain doesn't really scare me. So where is the Big Fear? The Big Fear is in not knowing, the Big Fear is in letting others down, of not succeeding.

There's lots of other emotions, too. Sad. Big Sad. Sad about holding back, about not jumping in because I don't want to be embarrassed, or not jumping in because I don't want to fail.

I've held back a lot in my life because I thought it was the right thing to do...to play safe, to take calculated risks, risks that are within a safe tolerance. Many choices I made are probably "good" ones, socially acceptable ones, choices that minimize harm to myself and others. And I don't regret being safe. I don't regret my choices. I've learned a lot about me, and I've learned a lot from things that are "mistakes".

What are the things I want to accomplish in my life? Why do I think I need to accomplish anything at all? Is that ego? Some need to make a mark? To have an impact? Does it matter to anyone? Does it matter to me? I'm not trying to be all doom 'n gloom here, but really in the big big picture, how much does any of it matter? If We're all just stardust from the big bang and our little stardust bits will keep on going forever, how much does it matter what we do? At the same time, if we live in a way that is only self-serving, what does that mean? If we just gorge ourselves in gluttony, sloth, etc. I'm starting to understand why we humans have created religions, why we have ideas about "what happens next"...to give us some purpose, to give us something outside ourselves. We want to be part of something more than just what we have within us. We do kind things for and terrible things to others because we like how it feels for US.

So we all have a limited time here in this lifetime. We don't know when the rug will be pulled from under our feet. The idea of living each day like it is our last...well, it is starting to sink in, at least for now.

What are the things that I want to do every day? I want to remember to tell the people in my life that I love, that I love them. I want them to know, to really know, how much they mean to me. I think they know, but wanting to share with them the depth of my care and affection. How to express that? How to express how much gratitude I have for my life. So much beauty, so much joy, everyday all the time.

From my current favorite Ani song "you're gonna love this world, if it's the last thing I do". I'm tired of complaining, I'm tired of finding fault or feeling like I'm not enough, or less than. I know I find a lot of goodness in things around me, but I want to appreciate more. I want to forgive. I want to recognize that everyone is doing their best. I want to remember that that's true. Everyone is doing their best. And what that means for each person in each moment is something different. My best at 6am is different than my best at 9:15am is different from my best at 9pm. My best is different when I'm happy vs. when I'm sad. My best is different when I'm hungry or tired or happy or sad or angry.

Sometimes I have expectations of myself that are unrealistic, or are realistic for short amounts of time, but are not sustainable. I want to be smart, I want to be funny, I want to be talented at lots of things, I want to love and be loved... And sometimes I am. And sometimes I'm not.

Sometimes I'm scared. Sometimes I don't know how to ask for help when I need it. Sometimes I overextend and sometimes I over-exaggerate. Sometimes I'm really human.

Foodie Heaven

on Friday night I had a conversation with the KittyMama about lots of things and conversation meandered (as conversations do) to versions of what heaven could be like. She described to me a version that she read about in a book that involved eating.

well, let me tell you, this weekend I've gone to visit foodie heaven. Foodie heaven is a place where I make cheese.

Yes indeedio, I made cheese! I started the cheese on Friday night: 1 gallon milk heated to 86degrees then taken off heat, add 1 packet mesophilic starter, add 1 teaspoon of diluted veg. rennet (2drops in 1/3 cup distilled water), cover let sit 12 hours. In the morning it looked and smelled like yogurt, just like my cheese book said it would! I then poured the curd into my butter muslin (better stuff than cheesecloth), created the most faboo contraption for hanging my cheese, and let it drip, drip, drip for about 8 hours. I then split it in half. One half got salted, the other half got salted and garlic-herbed (parsley, chives, 1 clove garlic, black pepper). The plain salted was nice, but the herb cheese was amazing. heaven. and did I mention I made cheese!

Foodie heaven is a place where I make French Potato Salad with Horseradish Mustard and Fines Herbes and Creamy Dill Cucumber Salad (recipes below).

Foodie heaven is a place where I plan to grill and when I go outside to clean the grill I discover wasps in my grill. Yes, wasps. Ok, so maybe this isn't so much heaven. Sigh. I did successfully knock down the smaller nest that was inside the grill lid, but couldn't get to the really big nest that was on the under-side of the grill. Unfortunately, I will have to use yucky chemicals to send those wasps to waspy heaven.

Foodie heaven is a place where my friends come over (and bring a wasp-free grill!), we stuff our faces with cheese, we grill our BYO-protein, we eat corn on the cob and green beans and potato salad. We forget that the cucumber salad is in the fridge(!) and we don't have room for dessert. Oh, grilled peaches over ice cream...you will be in my belly some day!

Foodie heaven is a place where we talk and talk and talk. We talk about politics and the upcoming primaries and local politicians and national politics and international politics. We talk about our days adventures (hiking a Thirteener! a 15-mile run! making cheese!). We talk about music and tell stories and laugh and laugh. Foodie heaven is a place where I catch myself just sitting back listening to the talk and beaming at how beautiful and perfect everything is. Foodie heaven is a place where we all sit on the ground on the patio after dinner and keep talking until our butts hurt from the concrete and we decide to move inside and watch a movie. And Foodie Heaven is the place where my belly and my heart are so full and so happy that I fall asleep on the couch surrounded by my friends before the movie ends.

And the recipes:
French Potato Salad with Horseradish Mustard and Fines Herbes (a recipe slightly adapted from Cooks Illustrated
2 pounds red skinned potatoes, unpeeled, scrubbed, cut into 1/4-inch thick slices
2 Tablespoons salt
1 medium clove garlic, peeled, threaded on a skewer
¼ cup olive oil
1-1/2 Tablespoons wine vinegar
2 teaspoons dijon mustard (I had no dijon on hand, so I used my Annie's Organic Horseradish Mustard)
½ teaspoon ground black pepper
1 Tablespoon minced fresh parsley
1 Tablespoon minced fresh chives
1 teaspoon minced fresh tarragon leaves (this could be omitted)

Directions:
1.Place potatoes, 6 cups cold water and salt in large cooking pot. Bring to boil over high heat, then reduce to medium.
2.Lower the skewered garlic into the simmering water and partially blanch (45seconds to a minute). Immediately run cold water over the garlic to stop cooking; remove garlic from skewer and set aside.
3.Continue to simmer potatoes, uncovered, until tender but still firm (thin-bladed paring knife can be slipped into and out of center of potato slice with no resistance), about 5 minutes.
4.Drain potatoes, reserving ¼ cup cooking water.
5.Arrange hot potatoes close together in a single layer on a rimmed baking sheet or in a baking pan. A cookie sheet with a rim or a pyrex 9x13 is good for this.
6.Press garlic through a garlic press or mince by hand. Whisk garlic, reserved potato cooking water, oil, vinegar, mustard and pepper in a small bowl until combined. Drizzle dressing over warm potatoes. Let stand 10 minutes. (At this point, the potato salad can be put in the fridge to hold for later. Bring the salad back to room temperature before next step.)
7.Toss herbs in small bowl. Transfer potatoes to large bowl, add herbs and mix gently. Serve immediately.

Creamy Dill Cucumber Salad
3 medium cucumbers (8 oz. each), peeled, halved lengthwise, and sliced ¼ inch thick
½ medium red onion, sliced very thin
1 cup sour cream
¼ cup minced fresh dill
3 tablespoons cider vinegar
1 teaspoon sugar
ground black pepper

1.Toss cucumbers & onions with 1 tablespoon salt in a strainer or colander set over a bowl; weight with water-filled 1-gallon zipper-lock bag, sealed tight.
2.Drain cucumbers at least 1 hour or up to 3 hours. They'll stop releasing liquid after 3 hours, so it won't hurt them to sit longer, but it won't add any more crunch.
3.Whisk sour cream, dill, vinegar, sugar, and pepper in a bowl. Add cucumbers and onions; toss to coat. Serve chilled, adjusting seasoning if necessary.

I'm on vacation and my blog is really long

I am in St. Louis, and I am on vacation.

Tuesday morning my ex-roomie and I drove from Boulder to STL. 900 miles, 14.5 hours, a lot of rock music, some awesome car snacks, silly conversations (like when was soap invented...what was it like in the time before soap?), some serious conversations (oppression and privilege in the US), political conversations, and just generally a fantastic time. We stopped four times total, more than I'm used to, but it was nice to do. Our last stop before landing at my parents' house was in Booneville, Missouri for dinner. We at at the Bobber Cafe, and had some good midwestern fare. John had a giant bowl of chili and a side of coleslaw. I had the aptly named Big Belly Buster fish sandwich with seasoned fries and ranch dressing to dip 'em in. My sandwich was more than a foot long. I ate about half and got the rest boxed up to take home. Big Belly Buster indeed!

Wednesday John and I went to the St. Louis zoo. I love the zoo...or at least I have very fond memories of the zoo from when I was a kid. After living in San Diego and frequenting that zoo, it is hard to still be as impressed with the St. Louis zoo. But I had a good fun time and saw snakes and butterflies and orangutans and elephants and bears and sea lions and hippos and lots of other things. I'm sad I didn't see the camels, but we ran out of time. Wednesday night we had Pasta House for dinner....mmm pasta house salad. I have a little sad in my heart for not getting to eat toasted ravioli, but they're meaty and I'm not.

Thursday it rained and rained and rained. In the afternoon I took John out to St. Charles for his family reunion stuff and I went to see my grandparents. My grandma likes to purge her closets whenever I'm around and most of my visit was spent with her saying yes or no to things she pulled out of the closet because my grandma thinks that fashion is forever and unchanging, even for things purchased over many decades for a woman who is 55 years older than I am... more on this later.

Friday was the Day of Running Errands with my parents. We got lunch from St. Louis Bread Co. And even if it got bought by Panera and now can be found all over. in St. Louis, it is still Bread Co in St. Louis. After lunch the errand running resumed and culminated in them going to Wal-Mart. I refuse to shop at walmart for lots of reasons. If you need some reasons why, see the following for some good info on why they are so bad: http://www.walmartclass.com and http://walmartwatch.com. While my parents were in Wal-Mart, I went walking and ended up taking a nice sweaty 2.25 mile walk...I forgot how sweaty I get when it is humid out and sweat doesn't evaporate! For dinner we had another St. Louis favorite, Imo's Pizza.

Friday night I played Fashion Show Barbie. You can check out my photo album for the dress-up fun. I love my grandma, and sometimes maybe I act like a grandma, and maybe even dress like one. But there are certain items that I found tactful ways to decline from taking:
• a red leather coat with built in shoulder pads that would have looked great in a Madonna music video in 1988
• a white shirt with multicolored 3-D chenile poofs and squiggles all over it. poofs and squggles were on the front and back. I wish I had gotten a photo of that one.
• a box full of bathing suits from approximately the 1980s...lots of ruffles and bright patterns and even some bermuda shorts
• gold and bronze purses covered with fringe, rhinestones, and/or metal studs

Today I woke up early and went out on a solo adventure. I drove out to New Melle, MO to a farm to pick blueberries and peaches. The peaches were $0.99 per pound and the blueberries were $2.10 per pound. I was out there picking for 2 hours and came away with 6 pounds of blueberries and 24 pounds of peaches. So my Colorado friends...lemme know if you want some fruit! I'll likely be making pies when I get back to town. I had really a wonderful time out there in the fields. The blueberry picking was really wonderful--it was slow, methodical work picking one berry at a time. The bushes were not overflowing with fruit, and the conditions were described as "scant" but I really enjoyed going from bush to bush. I was really in the moment and my mind rarely drifted...well, ok, maybe when I heard a rooster crowing, I got super nostalgic and misty-eyed; maybe I had one brief fantasy of ditching my life in Boulder and buying land in rural Missouri and planting fruit bushes and fruit trees and buying a cow and a goat and spending my time making cheese and jam and pies. Being outside doing some light manual labor, being connected back to the land...I miss it.

Coming back from the fruit farm was a whole other adventure. I got lost. I mean I got seriously lost. I drove out the way I came in, carefully retracing my route back, and about 20 minutes along I knew something wasn't right...the farmland was too manicured, there weren't enough trees. Suddenly I was at the intersection of Route D and Route T. Route T? There wasn't any Route T on my way to the farm. Maybe it changed names and I didn't notice. I drove on a little more and then decided to head back. I turned around and went back to within a quarter mile of the farm and started over. I tried again. When I got to the same stupid intersection of Route D and Route T, I said--hm, this 3 way stop must be where I messed up. I should go this OTHER way on Route T.

And I drove and found myself in Marthasville, Missouri, home of Daniel Boone. And there was a turn for Route 47 North and the word "Warrenton" with an arrow. North felt right, Warrenton (if it was the Warrenton I was hoping for) was on the highway that could get me back to where I needed to be, so I drove on Route 47. And I drove, and I drove, and I drove. I drove for almost 30 minutes. I finally got to Warrenton, and it seemed like another 1-gas station town. My adventure was starting to feel not so fun anymore. I gave up.

I pulled over, and thankfully for the first time in what felt like forever, I had cell reception. I called my parents asking if they could look up my location. I was at the intersection of Route 47, Route M, and Route MM in what I thought was Warrenton. My parents directed me to find someone to ask for help.

So I called my brother. My brother, my hero, my KITT. He was sitting at his computer, he google mapped Warrenton, he found my crazy lettered intersection and he told me to stay on Route 47 north. I got back on 47 north and 2 minutes later I was on Interstate 70! Whoopee! I knew where I was.

When I got home, I checked on the map and found my mistake--it was right back at that stupid point where I started. Right after leaving the farm, I should have gone right on Route D instead of left...sigh. 2 hours and 70 miles of rural road adventure!

Tonight I got to see my grandparents one more time. My grandma was sick--we think it is food poisoning, but aren't sure. A bummer of a way to end my visit, but I'm still glad I got to see them once more.

Tomorrow morning I get back on the road...with a brief stop to see my friend Bob and his family! :)

More (pithy?) updates after I'm back in Boulder.

The Birthday Explosion o' Love

Yesterday was my birthday, and it was awesome. I'm 31 now, and if birthdays partly set the tone for the coming year, this year is going to rock! Last year my birthday was a hard, sad day: my friend Adam found out his father died, so he and my best girl Dol didn't end up hanging out as planned; it was my first birthday in a decade without Michael; there were some really nice things that happened on that day, but overall it was a hard, sad day, and even-though there has been an amazing amount of wonderful, shiny moments this last year, there have been a lot of hard and sad ones too.

So this is a day I want to remember because it was a birthday explosion of love. I felt so loved from beginning until end!

The day started with me waking up at 6:15, changing into gym clothes, sitting meditation for a few minutes, drinking some lovely tea, opening birthday cards I had received in the mail over the prior several days and was saving up to open on The Day. I had a small cry because while there were cards from my siblings, my Chicago cousins/aunt/uncle, my maternal grandparents, but there was no card from my Grandma Betty who died a year and a half ago and I miss her so much. Missing her pops up in unexpected ways. So I went to the gym, then went to a meeting at 8:30 at the high school that I volunteer at. The folks on my committee had prepared cheese blintzes and sang to me--it was so awesome! I went to work for a few hours. I left work a little before 1pm to meet up with a co-worker/mentor/friend who took me to an amazing lunch.

She and I then drove back to my apartment and we did a lhasang. A lhasang is a tibetan buddhist purification ritual with juniper smoke. "Ki Ki So So Ashe Lha Gyal Lo Tak Seng Kyung Druk Di Yar Kye" we chanted as we took the juniper smoke into every room, every corner, every cabinet and drawer. Maybe it is kooky, maybe there is nothing that 'really' is different, but the idea of doing a ritual, to mark the beginning of something, to symbolically purify my living space and have a fresh start is something I'm really glad that I've done.

After the lhasang ended, I returned a few phone calls, picked up my mail and found more cards and packages waiting for me, talked to my sisters (yay!) went to Dol & Adam's place to feed their dog, went to the Indian Grocery that I visit once or twice a week to return a movie and pick up a new one. The store owner, who is one of the reasons I shop there so regularly, asked me why I was so happy and I told him it was my birthday. He not only refused to let me pay for my movie rental, but he insisted on giving me something sweet to have to symbolize having a sweet year. He tried to give me a giant tub of mango ice cream, but since I was going straight from there to dinner it would be mango soup. He gave me instead a box of sweets that I'm looking forward to cracking into this weekend! I then went to my self-declared women-only dinner with Dol and Miss J and Adam came for about 30 min, and we had lots and lots of yummy food and crazy amounts of cheese. I received an amazing gift of pottery named Mr. Wilson that Miss J made. I just can't stop touching it...it is so pretty! After dinner Miss J and I walked to downtown and on the way we took photos of crazy bean trees (Catalpa trees) filled with bean pods that were more than a foot long.
And we went to a coffee shop and got drinks and my Kombucha was free because it was my birthday! We sat outside and flirted with two little bitty children that were playing and flirting with us on the sidewalk. The little boy was probably 2 or 3 and the girl was 5 and they would come over and smile and squeal and hide their faces in their hands and run off and then slyly walk back over and repeat the process over and over and over...oh those two cuties! And then we walked and walked and walked and talked and talked and talked and it was starting to get dark so we headed back to our cars. And I was just giddy. I talked to my parents once more, and I talked to my brother for an hour and listened to more messages from more friends and talked to my friend Kash until I was falling asleep. More photos from my fun day can be found here.

The whole day was like a giant love explosion. I am 31. I am single, but I am not alone. I am loved by so many people. I love so many people. This will be a year of more adventures. This will be a year of less drama. This will be a year of having fun and being open to whatever comes my way. This will be a year of dreaming and a year of doing and a year of trying new things.

Memorial Day gratitude

Memorial Day holiday began as a remembrance of soldiers from the Civil War, and expanded to become a day to remember all those who have died in service to their country. Today I think of my Grandma Betty's brother Albert who died in WWII. This I think of the thousands who have died to protected freedoms that I value, and I think about all the thousands who have died for reasons that make no sense to me. I think about my friends Doug and Bryan, and the BFF's brother Chad, who are currently serving in the US military. I have so much gratitude for all of them, for their sacrifices.

I have so much gratitude that I have such a precious human birth, that I live in a time and a place where I have so much freedom, so much choice. I have so much gratitude that I have the precious opportunity to vote, to speak out against my government, to choose my beliefs, to peaceably assemble, to choose my partners, to serve on a jury. I have so much gratitude that I don't have to constantly worry about my safety and survival, that I have plentiful access to safe drinking water and food and medicine and education.

So I take a day on this Memorial Day to reflect, to appreciate, to not complain. I take a moment away from the BBQs, the sales, the sporting events, and all the other 3-day weekend activities to think about how much I have, and how so much of what I have is a result of sacrifices made by others.

bluster joy

What is it about grey blustery days that make me feel all snuggly? It probably goes back to my childhood. Grey, rainy, windy days were days for cuddling up under blankets and watching movies and reading books. Days when the sky turned green and the tornado sirens sounded, we'd gather up the flashlights, snacks, and sleeping bags and camp out in our basement. I loved getting all snuggly in my Kermit the Frog sleeping bag and getting scared but really not believing anything bad would really happen. I get the same way around big snow--cuddly, not scared. I think my sibs and I would play our bird game when the weather was unpleasant...we'd gather up a bunch of afghans and blankets and make a giant nest for the four of us. Happy, cuddle, snuggly time :)

But this blustery weather has foiled me two days in a row. I'm trying to get up to the Longmont house to do some inventory for Michael and to dig up my strawberry plants from my garden. I'm really missing my garden these days. But I have planted a little patio container garden with two tomato plants (one roma, one cherry), an eggplant, and basil. Today when I went out to check the plants I noticed the cherry tomato plant had a few little baby tomatoes on it! I got so excited, I had to run out and take some photos.

I'm being good and not getting too attached by naming the tomatoes, but it sure is tempting. I remember my first pumpkin plant in my little garden in San Diego--I named all the pumpkins that grew on it. Am I a bit of a freak? You betcha. But that is part of the joy of...me!

Tenderness, Education, Adventure

This weekend I'm house/dog sitting for the Best Girl, and giving myself a little mini-retreat. Friday late afternoon I picked up a faboo take-n-bake pizza, grabbed my duffle bag, and went to the house to settle in and eat dinner. The Best Girl has a bowl near the front door filled with "Angel Cards". These little cards each have one word. The Best Girl has a daily ritual of picking 3 cards for inspiration for the day. When I lived with her for a few months, I got into the habit too, and so on Friday evening, I stood over the bowl with eyes closed and thought "What will this weekend hold for me?" I got Tenderness, Education, Adventure. Wahoo! Jackpot!

Friday evening I had a massage planned. I had a massage a month ago when I was in the fullness of the giant snots, so it was delightful to be able to breathe fully and not break out into coughing fits in the middle of this massage. The massages I get are 1.5-2 hours long, and are just amazing. For me, it is another way to let go, to let someone else take care of me, to watch my breath and my mind, and to be present in my body. And then I had an Embarrassing Experience. The Embarrassing Experience was being woken up and told that I had fallen asleep, and it was time to go. Oops! I was awake and relaxed for most of the massage...I was completely awake for the first half and I thought completely awake for the 2nd part after I flipped over. I guess not. I remember quite a lot of the second half, and I didn't think I was getting sleepy or falling asleep. But I did. Perhaps this was the Tenderness--I allowed myself to get vulnerable and open in the presence of someone I don't know that well.

Saturday morning, I woke up feeling so good, so refreshed. On the plan for Saturday was going to a class that I was so excited about. The class description "The season of surplus food will soon be upon us. Plan now! We’ll look at how to acquire, preserve, store and use an abundance of fruits, vegetables, culinary herbs and medicinals. In addition to freezing and canning, we’ll explore nine simple, timeless, low-energy methods to preserve the harvest. We’ll experiment in the kitchen, making pickled veggies and other delights." So I walked into this class thinking that freezing and canning would be discussed along with 9 other methods including learning how to make different pickles. That wasn't what this class was about. There was quite a bit of discussion about why freezing and canning are Evil, why plastics are all Evil, why microwaves are Evil, and why the new fancy metal water bottles that are all the rage in Boulder are...Evil. The class focused a lot of time on those topics. There was quite a bit of time talking about "Why Have a Pantry", "Where to put a pantry", how to turn your car into a food dehydrator, and root cellars. There was brief mention of preserving in oil, preserving in vinegar, and pickling with salt. We got a demo on how to make bread in a bread maker, how to use a pressure cooker, how to make kefir, how to make chevre (goat cheese), how to roast garlic. So I did learn some new things. Pressure Cookers are things that have fascinated and terrified me, so getting to watch a pressure cooker in action and get a full detailed explanation of what to expect and what it was doing while it was cooking was really useful. I also got a bunch of resource handouts on canning and freezing, one packet of enzymes for making chevre, a sample packet of xylitol, a lovely list of book ideas, and resources for more local producers of food. The class wasn't what I was expecting, but seeing the goat cheese being made got me again inspired for a summer of cheese, and I am likely to try to use my car as a food dehydrator at some point this summer...well, golly, it is all hot and dry in there, and it just sits in the sun all day while I'm at work.

So I've gotten Tenderness and Education so far. Later today I'm going to dim sum in Denver for a friend's birthday celebration. Perhaps this will be some adventure!

grateful mope

Can I be a grateful-yet-mopey girl a little longer? And then I'll snap out of it, really. Because the weekend of fabulousness is nearly here. Until then, it seems, I must be sad-n-drearykins.

Today after work, I drove up to my house and filled 2 buckets with compost for planting my patio garden. Going up to the house and seeing other people's stuff in the yard is weird. Seeing someone's dog in the chicken coop--really weird. Not having my animals there--the most weird. After I scooped the old alpacapoo in the buckets, I went down the road to my neighbor's house. My neighbor L runs a llama rescue and has taken in my 3 llamas, and has 3 of my alpacas. It was good to see her because it has been quite a while. It was really good to see my kids. They look so happy and healthy. Dash came up and snuggled me, and gawd was it hard not to cry when he was nibbling on my face. My boy, my darling boy, my bu-bu. And there were 2 baby llamas, one was 3 days old and she was all black and looked so much like Brinca when she was a baby. And it got me thinking that my Angel should be due soon...another baby that won't be mine. And shearing time should be coming up in a few weeks. I need to get up there more, to go see my kids more, to help L more. To snuggle more on the sheep that she has, and her goats and her donkey that all came up to me to give me kisses.

I miss being around animals. I miss being around mud and earth and green and life. And so I'll create my own patio garden of love and maybe I'll go back up to my house and dig out my strawberry plants--they're getting buried under the weeds without the chickens there to scratch and forage. The chickens always seemed to like to attack the strawberry patch the most. Maybe it was all the slugs that would hide in there. I could totally container garden those strawberries with a whole lot of love.

Today I learned that Dot was the last chicken to die, and she died a little while back. She was taken in the night by something (fox, likely). And so I mourn all my chickens: Chicken and Spot and Stripe and Buffy and Big Mama and Pig and Ginger and Dot and Bunny and Baby and Bertha, and my duck named Duck. And I remember them with so much love. I remember caring for Spot in the little chicken hospital we made for her in the garage when she got injured, and how Spot's injury will probably mean I'll never eat chicken for the rest of my life. I remember how I became a vegetarian because I fell in love with chickens. And I remember how chickens and llamas and alpacas became my family, and I am so grateful and happy and sad all at the same time.

move my body, flap my lips

I am on the tail end of my first two day weekend since mid-March. Whoo, did I need it! I have been a giant stressbomb and I needed to BLOW. And I sure did release a lot of the built-up pressure this weekend. I already wrote about the Friday night out, so no need to go on about that.

Saturday afternoon I went on a 2-hour (~3 mile) hike in the mountains with the best girl which included talk and talk and talk and talk. That night was dinner and watching the miniseries pilot episode of Battlestar Galactaca with friends.

Today I had a 3-hour coffeetalk with my girl Miss J, took a trip up to the longmont house to check on a leak, then came back to Boulder and had another 1.5 hour talk.

It has been a weekend full of moving my body, talking, and moving some emotional/psychological energy around. Clearly, I needed all this body and mouth moving, because I feel recharged and ready to face the last week of the school year.

a night out

it is 3am, and I'm winding down from a night out. I got to spend time with friends, eat lovely cheeses and drink lovely martinis. And I got to dance. And I really needed to dance.

The group of friends I was with tonight were all in various durations of being alone (not in relationship), and we ranked people "army style" where the people longest out of relationship had the highest rank. I'm in boot camp, and it is kicking my ass. It is so freaking hard for me to be alone, and I don't really know how to do this. I just keep trudging through the mud. I am sad and I am angry and I am lonely.

Why does it have to be so hard to be alone with me? I want to be wanted, and I'm not, and it hurts. But tonight I got to dance. I got to set limits, I got to make choices, and I had no safety net, no relationship in the background to rescue me.

Tonight was my coming out party, my birthday, my anniversary, my Jennie loves herself day. And I danced.

Only a few minutes after arriving at the dance place, I sat down, on the edge of tears, and a guy came over to me, started talking to me, and then asked me to dance. We danced for a while, then he got a little too grabby. Now I know some touching is normal, but after a bit too much ass-grabbing followed by a quick boob-grab, I had enough, and I went back to hang with my friends. And then I danced some more with my friends without all the creepy groping.

The night out was originally a way for me to get out some pent-up energy and emotion, and it worked. Though the root stuff is still there. I'm still sad, I'm still angry, I'm still lonely, and I still want to be wanted, and I'm not.