Rites of Passage

The past few days...heck, the last long while has been so full. Most recently, I've been getting whacked over the head with my own reactions to witnessing others go through various rites of passage...rituals of endings and beginnings.

Friday was the big graduation/alumni party that I organized at the high school where I'm on the Board of Directors. It was a lot of hours, but it seemed to go well. I'm still struggling to find my place in that community...I feel connected and disconnected at the same time. I'm on the Board, but I don't have kids at the school; I'm involved on various committees, but still don't feel like I have direct experience with the larger school community. An interesting place to be, for sure.

Saturday was the school's graduation ceremony. It was such an amazing ceremony to witness. There were 19 graduating seniors, and each one was individually honored by a teacher who talked about the student--what they've accomplished, what they struggled with. Each student in turn had an opportunity to say something after the teacher finished--some were brief; some read poetry; some talked about their own personal struggles and how this particular school community made a difference in their life. It was really, really inspiring. And it got me thinking about my own high school graduation, and how much excitement I had--I had made it; I was now an adult with so many choices ahead of me. And how lately, that shine, that brilliance seems to have dimmed. What happened to that excitement? Where did it go?

Saturday was also my friend F's baby shower. I've been friends with her (and her husband) since junior high school, and have remained friends for almost 20 years. And seeing her, almost a month from her due date--she was so beautiful and radiant. My heart was just bursting with so much happiness for her throughout the shower. I can't believe that in a month, she'll be a mommy. During the shower, I had a memory of attending one of my mom's baby showers--probably for my littlest sister or my brother. This ritual of women gathering around to celebrate the upcoming delivery. It is so wonderful for her; and yet, so hard for me. I have this crazy ache inside. Longing.

And I got a call this weekend from the people who own one of my alpacas--Maya had a baby on Saturday. And this is one more baby that isn't mine. And I'm so happy that this baby survived. And I've cried nearly every time I've thought about this new life. I'm still mourning the baby that Maya lost last year, the one I couldn't save, the one I tried to deliver. And I still remember what it was like to have my arm inside her, feeling that unmoving baby inside her. There has been so much loss this last year, so many endings. I don't know if I'm strong enough. I don't know if I can keep letting go. Every ending is also a beginning, I know this to be true. And it is so hard.